New Haven Independent

Posted by: Keith | October 11, 2005 9:38 AM

I can definitely feel your frustration when not "thanked" for good gestures. I teach middle school and coach in the city and see first hand how my students and players take most everything for granted. There are days when this really gets to me, but most of the time I write it off in my mind by thinking that they were just never taught the common courtesy of thanking others. Every day after practice there is a trio of my players for whom I provide "curbside taxi service" in my VW(their houses are coincidentally located in three different corners of the city). Between the three of them, I will maybe get one thank you per SEASON. These kids mean a lot to me and it puts me in a weird bind...Do we, as role models, take a parental role and elicit a thank you when appropriate or is it crossing a line? Is this something that should either be taught in the home or not taught at all?
My giving the students the benefit of the doubt on this topic (by realizing that you can't do a whole lot about it)came to an abrupt halt just last week. At school a colleague and I planned a unique day of learning in which students were able to spend most of the day outside instead of in classes with us slamming them with CMT prep. At the end of the learning activities, we had a cookout...A "You don't have to eat cafeteria food today" cookout. The complaints that we got were amazing. Not one thank you was muttered and I felt like the manager of a really bad restraunt.
"Why can't we have more chips/drinks?"
"You guys are NEEDY for making us wait in line."
This blatent lack of appreciation was actually sprinkled with complaints! It makes you question why you should take the time to do special things for your students. But as you very well know - teaching is a thankless job in many ways. In the end it is the few heartfelt moments (much like the anecdotes you write about in your column) when kids show you how much they appreciate your role in their life that keep you going.

Posted by: Miss | October 11, 2005 6:02 PM

Keith--
You are absolutely right. And I had this same conversation for the twentieth time this year just today. The other teachers who do just what you do--drive kids around, take them out to lunch, hang out --don't receive thank you's at all and we all feel offended. Yet we all feel unsure of how to deal with teaching kids to say thank you. Why does this happen?
So I wonder what you and your colleague did last week to let kids know they were in the wrong?
How is it even possible to teach gratitude?

Posted by: JSJ | October 11, 2005 10:09 PM

Yes, it's possible, and even required, to teach gratitude. Gratitude, and manners in general, certainly have long-term benefits, even after the chips and drinks have been doled out. They're some of those things that makes civilization, well, civilized.

Props to you teachers who deal with kids who have no idea when and how to show gratitude. It's not their fault that they're manners-challenged. Blame society. Blame whatever fragments of family that's raising- or failing to raise- them. Just don't give up on these kids. They've got to learn from someone.

Posted by: Keith | October 12, 2005 8:32 AM

In that particular case, we definitely called the kids out on their "spoiled-rotten" behavior telling them that they were lucky to have a fun event planned for the day. The catch is, as you know, the kids aren't even close to being spoiled...so why act so rotten? I truly believe that some of our students come to school EXPECTING to be treated a certain way and that way is held to a higher standard than their home lives. It leads to a whole other argument about "learned-helplessness" and trying to get other people (mainly their teachers) to do as much for them as possible so that they don't have to do it themselves. In the long run it is a futile battle but we do what we can.
JSJ- You are completely right...and don't worry, I don't plan on giving up on my kids - EVER. All professions have frustrating aspects. This happens to be one of those parts of teaching that you come to accept but never really learn to like.

Posted by: Miss | October 12, 2005 9:06 AM

Keith and JSJ--

So I did it again. My students are taking the PSATs this morning, so I went to Stop and Shop to pick up some fruit and juice and crackers to give them some nourishment before their test. I found last year that during the bazillion weeks of CAPT tests, students were more focused and chill during the test when they had something to eat beforehand. I wanted the same outcome for my kids today, since many are nervous about such a long and "important" test.
I was surprised by the number of students this morning who thanked me for the food. However, one student who arrived late busted in the room and asked loudly, "Where's my cookies and juice?" And I stopped him in his tracks and said, "Oh hold up. That is NOT how you show gratitude. That is not what happens here." And I didn't give him anything until twenty minutes later, at which time he thanked me quietly.
I don't like that sense of entitlement many of my students seem to wear every day. "Where's my food?" "I'm not working there." "I'm not taking that test." I wonder if I was ever that way.

Posted by: keith | October 14, 2005 8:27 AM

Miss- Good call on making the student wait and watch everyone else eat! Hopefully the event will serve as a wake up call to the student and any others that were watching. I had to go off on the few students who were acting "spoiled rotten" at our event. They ended up at the end of the line waiting even longer for food, but in the long run I don't know if it can change them...you can only hope. What puzzles me is how some kids act so "rotten" even though they aren't really spoiled. After thinking about it more, I realized that a lot of these kids are spoiled. I don't mean with material objects so much as getting their way too often. It brings up the whole idea of "learned helplessness" Parents (and unfortunately) some teachers do way too much for kids...its making the generation even more lazy than they already are. Kids will come to school and spend more effort trying to get you to do things for them than they would even thinking of spending doing things for themselves. Anything from school/homework to throwing things out for them falls into this trap. As I said before, I teach middle school, so this may not be as apparent when teaching older students, but it is an epidemic that is being spread rapidly. And in the end...there is still no thank you! How do people get others to do things for them over a long period of time without showing gratitude? Are we just suckers?
JSJ- good points, I agree with you 100%. Despite all of the complaining, I would never give up or abandon my students - EVER!