New Haven Independent

Dec. 22, 2005

This shit will not end. The news this morning is that Brinn got beaten up last night in the continuing conflict between “her” group and another one. Everyone is talking about it and the tension is ridiculous. Kids who were there at the scene are getting sent home today for involvement. Kids won’t stop gossiping about it. And yet the girl who apparently beat Brinn is in school today. I hope she’ll go home too. I’m sure she will.
It’s days like this that make me not want to be here. Or a teacher. Or involved with young kids. These kids’ priorities are so messed up. They don’t know how to let things go and move on. I’m here trying to keep my kids safe from each other and it all seems so ridiculous -— but so real and so important. It’s days like this that make me want to look for another career.
I keep thinking about a person who posted a comment to one of my entries a month or so ago. She said she left the field of teaching because city schools had too much violence. I’m not gonna lie; today leaving the field of teaching has crossed my mind a number of times.
As much as I hate to say it, if maybe five or seven kids were permanently removed from the school, it would be a much different, more focused school. It would be a school, not a pseudo juvenile detention center.
How do they even learn that their current behavior is not any kind of answer to their problems? I’m afraid that they will all hit rock bottom. And then what good have I been? And now I’m thinking of Mark’s comment to me before Thanksgiving. I can’t save the world.

Jan. 4, 2006

Feels like I’ve been gone for a year. I made it a point to change my attitude about school, and so far, I think I’m OK. Then again, today is the first day back after 11 days away. Kids are chill, teachers are chill…I’m eager to see how long this will last. I probably could have gone back to school yesterday, but I’m really thankful for the extra day off for “snow.” I don’t know why school was cancelled, but I’m certainly not complaining. I spent most of the day napping, and later I went snowboarding with Dennis and DB.

I guess one update is that I’m not waitressing. They had me on the schedule only once for all of December, and I found a friend of mine who really does want to waitress to replace me, so I’ve been only teaching. It feels good, but now I’m thinking I would really like to go back and wait tables again. I don’t know. I know of a restaurant that’s about to open soon, so maybe I’ll put my name in…

I’m going to Salt Lake City, Utah, in a couple of weeks for the Sundance Film Festival, and to visit my good friend Ethan from grad school. I’ve never been out west, and I’m so excited to go. The only time I’ve ever seen the mountains out there was last year when I was flying to San Francisco for a conference. Park City has a deal where you can ski for free the day you fly in. So we’ll take advantage of that. I don’t like flying all that much, but I can’t imagine how good it will feel to snowboard in that much powder.

Updates on Brinn: Because she was in a fight, she is going to be expelled. She was suspended for 10 days, and now she’s going to get expelled. The other girl she was fighting is suspended for seven days, and apparently we’re pushing for expulsion for her, too. And the other girls who were there at the scene, they’re suspended for five days. So school is quiet today…..

….Or not so quiet….I just had to ask one student to leave class for using the word “faggot.” Repeatedly. I don’t think kids realize that their language contributes to negative energy at school. They all throw around hate words without even acknowledging the fact that people might be offended by their language. Never have I tolerated the use of that word, and my students know that. (Just as that word was coming out of my student’s mouth, another student said, “Uh oh. You’re getting kicked out for that.”) So at least they know that rule of mine. Now if I could only work on their attitudes.
I wish I could have a rule that said: “No whining. No bitching, moaning, name-calling, swearing, making hand-signs of gangs, burping, making comments about teachers’ bodies, complaining when I ask you to do the simplest task, losing my books, forgetting your pencil, losing focus, interrupting, talking about clothes when you should be doing assignments, not doing homework, et cetera, et cetera.” Not only do I wish I could have that rule, I wish kids would abide by it. And love it. And breathe it. Is that too much to ask?
Today, yes. I’m holding my breath for tomorrow.