New Haven Independent

If national candidates have polls, consultants and imagers, local candidates mostly have their husband or wife, kids and neighbors. Some hire campaign managers who mostly seem to do a fairly good job of badly packaging an otherwise good candidate.

There is no better example of this than the guy running for mayor a number of years ago who had as his campaign slogan, “He’s not invisible.” Neither was my cat. Incidentally, the “not invisible” candidate had invisible supporters on election day.

So here now my somewhat irreverent, somewhat serious “guide” to picking the right candidate. Just keep in mind when you go to vote: think about the individuals for whom you are about to cast your ballot. And recite the inimitable words of commentator, comedian and raconteur Groucho Marx: “Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that you can do anything.”

1. Never vote for anyone who wears a rug. Mostly these throwbacks to a thankfully gone earlier day look like a dead chia pet. How can you take someone seriously who wears something like that? If you can’t stand up and be who you are, why do I think you’ll stand up for me?

2. Invariably a candidate running for local office will attempt to glad-hand you at the supermarket or hardware store. “Hi, I’m (insert name here) running for (insert office here) and I hope you’ll vote for me,” they will implore you. Without so much as skipping a beat, ask, “why?” If they stumble on this easy question God only knows could happen if they get elected. Next.

3. If they are running for the school board and want to teach “creationism” or whatever is the current alternative to Darwin and his theory of Evolution, flee and vote for the other guy….even if he wears a rug. These mental midgets usually believe Copernicus was wrong or alternately the are members of the Flat Earth Society.

4. It is hard for me to vote for a guy with a girl’s name. There was a guy running for mayor in a suburb of New Haven whose name was “Sal” but he said his friends could call him “Sally.” I think I voted for him, but it wasn’t easy.

5. Sometimes I ask a candidate where they went on their last vacation. How someone takes time off can tell you a lot about a person. If they took the kids to Disneyland, I’m thrilled. If they went alone I’m scared.

6. I think twice before I vote for someone who wears an American Flag pin. Last time I checked you have to be a citizen in order to run for office, so you’re wearing of the flag is supposed to tell me what? Is it that you know what country you are in?

7. I don’t spend much time on it, but I tend to vote for people who have “normal” pets. Dogs and cats are equally good. Even birds are OK. Snakes? Sorry. What was the name of the guy with the rug?

8. It makes no difference to me if a candidate has a family or not. Since one in two marriages ends in divorce, there is a 50/50 chance I am looking at someone who is either cheating now or will cheat in the future and whose kids may be scared for life. Ha!

9. I take a “pass” on candidates who want to “run government like a business.” Notice recently how ruthless business has become? Is that what you really want your government to be known as…ruthless? Come to think of it, have you noticed how many businesses have gone bankrupt? Just what I want…a ruthless, bankrupt government. Come to think of it, don’t we have that already?

10: And I worry about candidates who smile too much or smell too good. You know, that gaseous smile that comes from eating too many “whatevers” at too many ethnic festivals. Real people don’t smile all the time, and if that is all someone does, I worry it is because the Haldol has yet to wear off. As for cologne or perfume, it should be worn sparingly if at all. There is nothing worse than someone smelling like “poof.”

So for better or worse there it is. It is hardly comprehensive but it will get you started. Now hold your nose and go vote.

Steve Kalb is a freelance reporter and TV news talent coach. He is also an adjunct professor of broadcast journalism at the University of Connecticut, Storrs. You can reach him here.

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