New Haven Independent

That’s assuming you don’t drop dead on the way to retiring. Every day the landscape changes as to what is “good” for you. Is wine good or bad for me today? Caffeine? Running is probably good (bad) for me, but inhaling all of those exhaust fumes can’t possibly be good for me.

We are racing towards being a healthy, vibrant, vice-free — and boring society. As near as I can figure, “vices” shorten your life. I think boring will do it even faster.

The problem with “vices?” They’re fun, and we don’t seem to value “fun” anymore.

I read someplace over the weekend that thanks to the latest tax increase, a pack of smokes in the Big Apple will now go for around 9 bucks. That’s not quite a half dollar per cigarette. And so goes the last inexpensive luxury.

I’m not suggesting that people go out and pick up the habit. Smoking is one of those vices that if you actually enjoy it, then it will eventually kill you. Using the product as the makers envision its use will shorten your life, and the more you use it the faster (in theory) that will happen.

But that’s not the point. Life is about making choices. In this “we’ll make you healthy even if it kills you” world , sitting back and lighting up a Lucky Strike is about as likely to happen for many as drinking Moet out of crystal over lunch. With the exception of Elliot Spitzer, who can afford spending that much for a few moments of enjoyment?

Rodney Dangerfield once said, “if I take excellent care of myself from this day forward, I’ll get very sick and old and die.” I’m not suggesting you start smoking and take up drinking rum and Cokes for breakfast. Contrary to the advertisements of the ’50s, smoking has never been “good for you.” And Chesterfield’s don’t “lubricate your throat.” But as we race towards living to “forever,” maybe enjoying ourselves along the way isn’t such a bad idea.

To my way of thinking there is nothing wrong with eating a potato chip.. It’s when you eat bags of ‘em.

For me it is about self control, fakes and reality, three things most notably lost in Washington.

I never ate Olestra, the so called “fake fat.” My doc is probably going to hate me, but I cook with butter. Not a lot of it, but I stay away from the fat free, cholesterol free, flavor free, chemistry set created stuff called margarine. I don’t drink light beer or sugar free soda. Beer should taste like beer. I use real sugar. I run from the room if someone offers me a wine “spritzer.” Who ever thought mixing wine with club soda improved anything but the club soda?

I believe in black, strong, caffeinated coffee. If you have to add vanilla or hazelnut to it in order to make it taste like anything, please don’t make any for me.

Ice cream should be made up of just a few ingredients. Principal among them are milk, cream and sugar. What exactly is “locust bean gum?” Come to think of it, don’t tell me.

And although I advocate a “pastrami sandwich a week” diet as a means of keeping the doctor away, I stay away from eating anything the origins of which are suspect. I know what goes into bologna, scrapple and sausage. Trust me, you don’t want to know.

George Burns allowed once that he had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast and four or five cigars every day. My recollection is that in his mid-80s playing God, he didn’t look all that bad. I’m guessing it was the bagels and not the cigars.

Every four years we have a nationwide discussion about values. We call it an election. The so-called “values voters” have it all wrong. They want to talk about morals, sex, God and the Devil. Maybe part of that discussion should be about valuing who we are, what we do, how we do it and how we put time to good use rather than just making more money so we can collect more stuff and live longer — but not necessarily more interesting — lives. I figure if we do that then the morals, sex and God discussions are pretty superfluous.

And since it is good exercise, maybe I’ll walk a mile for a Camel.