New Haven Independent

Oh, Rude-y!

by Abram Katz | November 28, 2008 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Those of you who are still employed may wonder what it’s like to be unemployed.

A snarky answer might be “You’ll probably find out for yourself soon enough.”

Here’s what it’s really like:

Brief chat in the personnel office, fill up boxes and take home, ponder a life living in a refrigerator box, and then call the labor department because you might be eligible for unemployment benefits.

Time to sponge off of Society. Wait, isn’t this your tax money?

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Let’s see what it takes to file an unemployment claim. This is a mercifully abridged version.

Dial the Tele-Benefit Line.

A voice tree. You may prefer English, so press 1. So far so good.

You might be interested in extensions to benefits for claims already filed. OK. Press 1 for continued claims, press 2 for continuing continued claims, press 3 for claims that have not been claimed yet.

Due to the tsunami-like number of calls, try filing on the Web.

OK.

The Department of Labor is mandated to obtain your social security number under U.S. 43 section b, section C of 32 dash D, pursuant to something or other, section E, blah blah blah.

OK.

Please enter your nine-digit social security number. Is that correct? Press 1. Now enter your four-digit personal identification number. You will hear a series of clicks as you are transferred to a person.

No clicks.

Due to the enormous volume of calls, it would take hours to talk to a human being. Please call back later.

She hangs up on you. Hangs up.

Wow. That took three minutes and 50 seconds.

That’s about as much time as listening to “Tutti Frutti” twice. As good as “Tutti Fruitti” is, listening to it 24 times in a row would be a bit much, and Little Richard doesn’t even mention social security numbers.

Try again and again and again and again.

Each time, the Tele-Benefits robot hangs up. Those people, wherever they are — in a bunker somewhere — must really be busy.

* * * *

At first, before all this happened, you actually reached a person, answered the 20 questions, and then the phone line went dead. An accident? Hmmm.

The next time you called, and spent 45 minutes waiting, you reached Hostile Man. A public servant with nothing but scorn for the public.
That did not end well. You didn’t know you could scream that loud over the phone. Bad words. Very bad words burst out of you like flaming hydrogen from the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity.

Hostile Man hung up.

Oops.

* * * *

So now here you are on the Tele-Benefits Line. Because of the avalanche of calls, Tele-Benefits explains labor law to you for four minutes and then disconnects. Call back later, she says. Like next summer.

The saga continues. The next work day, you can’t even get to the labor law seminar because Tele-Benefits is only hanging up on people whose last digits end in 0, 1, 3, 4, 6, 7. For 2, 5, 8, or 9, try tomorrow, or Tuesday through Thursday, whatever comes first.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. Let’s call the commissioner’s office.

For faster service, file online…

A person. I’ll call someone and have them call you back, she says.

No one ever calls. That was too good to be true.

Maybe the system is trying to convey a message to you. You’re just an unemployed self-loathing bum. How dare you apply for unemployment? Besides, if we don’t relent what are you going to do about it?

Wait. Someone is actually answering the phone.

“Yes, that’s me. Yup, 30 years. Yes, that’s a long time.”

Wow. She is so nice and helpful. She’s so calm. Caring. You must be hallucinating.

You take back everything bad you said about the Department of Labor. Great bunch of people. So sympathetic.

Except for Mr. Hostile.

He should be required to listen to “Tutti Frutti” again and again 100 times.

Or apply for unemployment himself.

Science writer Abram Katz was laid off Nov. 13 from the New Haven Register after three decades at the paper.

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Comments

Posted by: cedarhillresident | November 28, 2008 10:48 AM

I am sorry about the job...but you are a great writer! I felt your pain on this!

Posted by: James | November 28, 2008 11:58 AM

I was laid off three time in 18 months during the dotcom bust. Fortunately it seems like I'm safe at the moment, but I definitely know what it feels like. For what it's worth, I was eventually able to collect unemployment and even got an extension under the 9/11 stimulus package. In general, I find that one in five public servants are actually kind and want to help. Three in five were once kind but have spent too many years serving an ungrateful, hostile, ignorant, and abusive public. One if five was born to be a bureaucrat ... from the say he exited the womb. Sounds like you got to speak with all five!

Posted by: Anstress Farwell, New Haven Urban Design League | November 28, 2008 12:46 PM

Dear Mr. Katz:

I'm so sorry you lost your job. I always looked forward to your columns. Your curiosity, humor, and and skepticism are great tools for bringing information on science and health to the general public. Your work is especially important in a time when deluges of crank, quack, and wacky information are so readily available.

For New Haven, which has identified "Eds & Meds" as the foundation of its future economic development, your work and talents are critically important. While scientists have journals and list serves to communicate with each other, there are few good resources to bring their work to the general public. A great deal of scientific work being done in New Haven is supported by National Science Foundation and National Institute for Health grants. It is important for the public to know about and support continued funding of these projects. And as a matter of civic pride, it can do a world of good, especially for young people, to have some understanding of the productive and innovative people and projects that our community hosts.

Newspapers from New Haven's industrial era were chock-a-block with stories about inventions, manufacturers, and the city's skilled workforce.

I hope that a new place for your work can be found in the community.

I'm glad you eventually connected with a thoughtful and professional person at the Labor Department. As far as "Mr. Hostile" and his ilk goes, it might help protect your good humor if you keep the following poem in mind (I forgot the author, sorry!) next time you get "Ma'Belled":

Epitaph for a Civil Servant

Here lies a Civil Servant.
He was civil to no one,
And a servant of the Devil.

Posted by: Beansie's Mom | December 2, 2008 12:29 PM

Beansie's Mom says:
"What the hell are you complaining about. Beansie's dad was let go my a plumbing chain in Statford that will be unnamed back in March?

The health benefits for Beansie and her sister were terminated in March and no one from that Company bothered to let our Mom know until She called in April. She knows what April 15th is and she's pretty could with tax work.

Little B says: "Even without insurance, that mean mommy has taken us to the dentist and we have had our teeth cleaned and cavities fixed. Heck she even took away our Halloween candy when we weren't looking."

Another B (a butinsky) says" Yeah, that Tante Meaney even yells at the old folks when they tried to give us candy. What will one candy hurt, they said."

Mommy mutters, No wonder they have D.M.

"What's 250?"

Someone in the audience goes, "Why, no wonder Mrs. B is pissed off with Economic Development. She was on top of this issue in August." Yeah, some one is usually ahead of the curve.

Seriously, Mr. Katz maybe you'd like to go 50/50 for the old plumbing van. I'm sure that you two guys could share the profits 40/40. Ten percent for expenses and ten percent for Starr Mgmt.

Posted by: Eddie | December 3, 2008 9:03 AM

Hey Abe. Nice to see you've still got your sense of humor. Look forward to reading more.

Posted by: lK Richardson | December 3, 2008 10:43 AM

Good luck in your unemployment. It makes me thankful I was working in California... I still have to pinch myself sometimes to believe it was so easy to apply. Of course, I DID go directly to the Web site since I was out of state by the time I found out that I was eligible.

Posted by: Beth | December 3, 2008 12:43 PM

I've just recently joined the unemployment rolls myself. The entire process, as you note, is loads of fun, and it's even more fun when your employer challenges your claim, even though he's no longer offering your a paycheck. Who knew the definition of "unemployed" was so difficult for some to grasp?

Thanks for the chuckles. I especially liked the savvy way you worked in a reference to the Hindenburg. What a good analogy for these times.

New Haven Independent

Oh, Rude-y!

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