New Haven Independent

• Obama announces 50% tax on all bonuses and compensation received by
Fortune 500 executives from the year 1998-2008. Entire federal debt is
erased at once.

• Planetary alignment causes gravity to lessen by 1/3.

• Yale purchases New Haven Green for the tidy sum of $1 million, announces plans to wall it off.

• Dumpster diver finds $50 million dollar bearer bond accidentally
discarded by Richard Levin’s office. Donates it to the cash strapped city
and receives extra large gold key from mayor.

• As part of Federal Stimulus plan, Gov. Rell announces massive
highway construction plan. Centerpiece is the relocation of I-91 / I-95
juncture to its originally planned location — through Woodbridge and Hamden.

• New Haven police follow lead of British police and ban firearms
from the force. Batons and whistles will be issued; tall hats are
optional.

• City enters negotiations to mount solar panels on Eli Apartment
façade and collect extraordinary reflections from “Gold Building.” Residents
praise move to block “death ray.” Historic preservationists up in arms.

• City announces penalty for bicyclists pedaling on sidewalks: Twenty
hours on stationary bike hooked to a generator, which will power city
computers.