Limping Toward Passover, Behind Bars

It was a big day for the Jewish community in this prison: A band showed up to cheer us up before the holiday of Passover, which begins Friday night.

The name of the singer was Avraham Fried. I used to listen to his music before I got here.

This concert was more meaningful than most. One of the Russian inmates in here, Uri, never was circumcised. He never had a bris. So a few days ago he was taken out of this prison to a Chabad House, where the ancient Jewish ritual was performed.

OUCH! He is a grown man. He is still limping around.

But the band cheered him up. They were singing ​“Mazel tov, mazel tov!” and dancing around him. How embarrassing.

Uri told me that in Russia religion was banned in the 1960s so he never had a bris.

The only problem with being circumcised in prison is that you can never have a ​“pearl job.” I am sure you have heard of a ​“nose job.” In prison there is a organ enhancement procedure called a ​“pearl job.” Inmates carve little balls out of dominoes, very smooth and very tiny. Under sterile conditions, as sterile as can be in a prison, they cut little holes in their shmeckle and insert these beads.

If you are circumcised you don’t have enough real estate down there to carry out this procedure. After the beads are inserted, the skin grows over and seals shut. The inmates say that this gives their wives and / or girlfriends and / or both, extra pleasure when they get released from prison.

These ​“pearl jobs” are more common in the medium-security prison among the Spanish inmates I never heard of any guys having this done in this camp.

Inmate Uri told me that in Russia guys in the military used to have ​“pearl jobs.” But he said over the long term this can lead to infections, forcing you to eventually have a circumcision. No joke.

Some Laws Honored

Passover is in the air. The Jewish inmates are cleaning out the prison chapel making it ​“chametz” free.

“Chametz” refers to any kind of food that contains flour, or some form of flour or flour product, or ​“leavening.” During the eight days of Passover one is not allowed to eat any chametz, as Jews are only allowed to eat unleavened bread, i.e., matzo, to remind them that when they rushed out of Egypt their dough had no time to rise so it turned into matzo, a giant tasteless burnt cracker.

So observant Jews throughout the world clean their houses, cars, offices, garages, vacation homes, synagogues and other living quarters so that they will not be tempted by any of this dreaded chametz.

This same cleaning tradition goes on in this prison. The prison area where Jews congregate must be cleaned of chametz. So the Jewish inmates are now removing all the prayer books, and other items, and storing them away, lest the prayer books contain any traces of chametz.

If you think they are taking this cleaning to extremes, you are correct. We are talking about Jewish extremists in here. Not the violent type, more of the white collar non-violent variety.

The observant Jews in prison here are the people of the book, people who are super careful and meticulous when it comes to removing every crumb of chametz, yet extremely careless when it comes to obeying the laws of the land.

I would think we would be more careful when it comes to observing the laws of the land. After all, if you violate the laws of the land you can end up in prison for many years. If you don’t clean up your chametz properly you may suffer a spiritual punishment in the next world, a concept too abstract for me to understand, but nothing that would impact on your physical freedom.

Adjusting To Freedom

A couple of the Jewish inmates in here got furloughs to go home during the first two nights of Passover. A big deal.

The worst part of a furlough is coming back to prison after the furlough is over.

A bus ride to a mikveh, ie., a ritual bath, is also scheduled for the Jewish prisoners before the first night of Passover. It is traditional for observant Jews to dunk in the mikveh before a big Jewish holiday. Similar to a baptism. Wash away your sins.

The prison bus, which looks like a school bus with bars on the windows, takes the guys to a synagogue type building that contains a large bath deep down at the bottom of the building. It looks like a giant sauna.

The Jewish guys walk down the steps into the water, completely naked, dunk under water, and then leave. It is not a pretty sight. Picture the water buffalos crossing the river on National Geographic.

I went to the mikveh here during the last Jewish holiday. The main reason I went was because I thought there would be some snacks, sweets and pastries offered by the rabbis running the mikveh as a special holiday treat for deprived inmates. I was sadly disappointed. No treats. No candy. No cookies. No pastries. Just a lot of extra Blue Boyz making sure the rabbis running the mikveh did not feed the inmates.

There was a big sign on the building reading, ​“DO NOT FEED THE INMATES.” Just kidding.

Because the mikveh rabbis got in trouble for feeding the inmates on the last trip, now the inmates are taken to a different mikveh, a more secure mikveh.

The bus ride to the mikveh is always interesting. Some guys sing on the bus. Others pray. One inmate doctor grew up in this area, so he is our tour guide. He said we drove by the mental hospital where the Son of Sam resides.

I got dizzy on the bus ride out of the prison compound. Sensory overload. Seeing people going about their daily business rushing around in cars and talking on cell phones is way too much for me to handle.

I lead a simple life in prison. I get stressed out observing free people living in the free world. How am I ever going to readjust to society?

New Haven attorney Lawrence Dressler is serving a 20-month sentence in an out-of-state federal minimum-security prison for his part in a mortgage-fraud ring.

Previous installments:

• Larry Noodles & The Tossed Banana
• A Peanut-Butter View Of A ​“Real Prison”
• Arrival
• Tempers Flare Over … What?
• Blinded By The Light
• The Russians Take Control
• Welcome To The Hole
• Slider Takes On The Roman Empire
• Waiting For Johnny