Tempers Flare Over … What?

I got cursed out a few days ago by the inmate who teaches the anger management classes.

I am not enrolled in anger management anymore. I already got my certificate of completion, complete with a gold ribbon and signatures. It looks very official, like a grammar school diploma.

Anyway, I heard from the inmates who take the current anger management class for the new semester that the anger management inmate teacher told the entire class that he acted inappropriately when he yelled at me the other night. He said that it was not his dispute, and he should not have got involved. I am still waiting for an apology, but you take what you can get when you are in prison.

The dispute involved a mattress that was missing from my old bunk in the dorms.

After I moved out of the dorms, the mattress on my old bed disappeared. The inmate assistant to the head Blue Boy asked me if I took the mattress. I told him I was innocent until proven guilty — and so what? What’s the big deal. How much punishment does a man deserve in here, to sleep on a three-inch mattress lying on top of a steel board in a top bunk that practically touches the drop ceiling, fire alarms and sprinklers?

He said that the Blue Boyz will be very upset about this. So I told him I would investigate the matter and try to find the missing mattress.

I searched all the cubes and eventually found the missing mattress and returned it to the dorms. Apparently some inmate had placed this missing mattress in my bunk. It was a set up. I had two mattresses on my bunk and I didn’t even realize it.

It’s Not Personal

There is an veteran inmate in here, a buddy of Bill ​“I didn’t have sex with that woman” Clinton, who is doing some time for some financial wheeling and dealing in the billions, from what I heard, or hundreds of millions. Either way I heard big numbers for a friend of Slick Willie. Birds of a feather. … He walks around with an angry look all day with the Wall Street Journal, Financial Times and the latest book put out by some politico who just left the White House under his arm.

Last night my friend said that this prisoner yelled at him for something stupid. This same inmate yelled and cursed at me the other night for no good reason; I never said two words to this old guy in the many months I have been here.

I have learned that the best way to respond to a guy screaming at you is to walk away and laugh it off. Being caged all day and all night 24/7 with the same 118 people can make guys grumpy at times. You learn not to take it personally when someone loses it.

Teaneck Trouble & Wasted Time

One inmate gave a siyyum, which is a speech after he finishes learning a section of the Talmud. The learning process can take many months with a rabbi’s assistance.

This inmate’s nickname is Teaneck Trouble. He is a character, always looking for attention. He said he wanted to dedicate his learning of the Talmud to another Jewish guy who was just sentenced to five years in jail for extortion, and is waiting to turn himself in to prison. He may end up at this prison.

This Jewish guy’s name is Wolmart. He was part of a conspiracy of guys who kidnapped husbands and tortured them until they signed a Jewish bill of divorce. I read that sometimes they used electric cattle prods connected to their family jewels to extract a signature. Teaneck Trouble said he knew this Wolmart guy, or knew of him. I don’t know why anyone would want to honor this Wolmart guy.

The Litvish rabbi gave an impassioned speech about how everyone should try to do something productive while they are locked up in here. On the outside everyone complains that they don’t have enough time to do anything; well, here you are with all the time in the world. Make the most of it. Don’t waste your time playing cards every night or watching television.

New Haven attorney Lawrence Dressler is currently serving a 20-month sentence in an out-of-state federal minimum-security prison for his part in a mortgage-fraud ring.

Previous installments:

• Larry Noodles & The Tossed Banana
• A Peanut-Butter View Of A ​“Real Prison”
• Arrival