Following is a eulogy delivered last week by Rabbi Jon-Jay Tilsen of Congregation Beth El Keser Israel for Margaret “Marge” Curtin Barnett, who died at the age of 77.
Margaret grew up in the loving home of Edward P. & Nora T. Curtin in New Haven, along with her siblings, including her dear younger sister Mary Ann. She was a devoted daughter. Her father, a Connecticut native, worked as a machinist and in maintenance; her mother, an orphaned Irish-immigrant, ran the household and raised the family. Marge cared for them directly, particularly in their later years. Through all her years, she was close to her Mary Ann and her family.
Following her graduation from Hillhouse High School, Marge worked at Southern New England Telephone and took night classes at Quinnipiac College. Marge met and Married Al Barnett, another fellow New Haven native, on 1 June 1959, following his service in Asia during the Korean War. She directed her attention to running her household, which came to have three children, David and Caroline, may they live and be well, and James, of blessed memory.
Marge was a full-service mother, in the model of the era, serving as a volunteer with other parents in the school and Scouts, taking the children to religious school at Keser Israel and Beth El or to the beach while Al was still at work. Not only did she run the household for all of them, but she managed to provide billing and other bookkeeping services for Al’s business as well. Indeed, Al recalls that it was in part her quick-wits and sense of confidence, her introspection and directness, that attracted him to her in the first place. As Al puts it, “She was the voice of reason,” always able to help people put things in perspective, and helping people get along.
She was courageous, too. They first met when he observed her call-out a fellow cheating at cards, showing her devotion to honesty, her quick wit and insight.
When the children were grown, she resumed working outside the house, for some years at Aetna Blue Cross.
During those years, Marge was caring for her elderly parents and preparing and hosting for the holidays, Thanksgiving, Passover and Hanuka, and for awhile helped the Sisterhood at Keser Israel in holiday preparations. She maintained a wonderful relationship with her sister and Al’s siblings and their families. She had friends from many streets, offices and classrooms in New Haven, people who were always glad to be with her thanks to her pleasant demeanor, helpful nature, and direct and unassuming manner. With Marge, as Caroline puts it, “What you see is what you get,” a quality that people appreciate; she was a good listener who could offer a positive perspective and sound advice.
Among her fine qualities, Marge was able to accept things in life, at least as well as anyone. That included her own medical challenges, which she adapted to and worked with, especially in the last decade of her life. The death of her son James eight years ago took a heavy toll, and remained a source of sorrow for her; but she continued as best she could, aware of the many continuing blessings that she enjoyed from her family and friends.
Marge always had an active mind and enjoyed reading, which she could do in those increments of time when she was not busy taking care of everyone else – she always put other people first. In later years, in particular the last four years when she and Al lived at Coachmen’s Square, she enjoyed being with people, attending a concert or lecture or study group with Rabbi Sommer. She was happy to help with events and give a hand or direction to other residents who could use it.
She also made sure Al kept active, even when she could not get out. She impelled him to join the synagogue and to attend services, which he does not only on Shabbat but frequently during the week, where he is a mainstay of the daily morning, afternoon and evening services. He didn’t have to worry about things that she took care of because she was reliable and responsible. She took her roles seriously – but not herself overly so – and did her best to discharge all her duties. When the she and Al decided to raise a Jewish family, she studied with “keser” Rabbi Andrew Klein and others so she would understand what that entails and what was required of her.
It was of course in that context that I had the honor and pleasure of knowing Marge, at least a little, over the years. Mostly Al was the intermediary, bringing back and forth greetings, but there was a time when she was able to be at BEKI on the major holidays or for other events, and we were able to invite them to our home and visit on a couple of other occasions. I am thankful that I got to know here directly and also to learn more about her through the loving and admiring words spoken of her by family and friends.
Marge explicitly understood the importance of unconditional love. At the service for James eight years ago, we cited a passage, which was at Marge’s suggestion, from our sages about 2,000 years ago that speaks of the centrality of this idea in our families and society. Our sages taught (Avot 5:18), “When love is conditional, love vanishes when the condition vanishes; but a love which is unconditional never vanishes.” This explains her love of life and her love for her family. Indeed her greatest happiness was with her family; she would say, “I am as happy as my children are.” After raising Caroline, David and James, she welcomed Betsy into the family, and was delighted to be the grandmother of Meg, Annie, and Ellie, flying out to Chicago at the birth of each, and treasuring their time together there or when they visited in New Haven. Although it became impossible for Marge to travel in the past few years, she took great pleasure in their communications and visits, and in just being a grandmother, happy that they were living their own lives and trying to be good people.
Her life was a blessing to us, and so too will her memory be a continuing source of blessing. We discover that the love we felt for her is not even conditional upon her being alive among us; she has created an unconditional love.
