The Independent’s schoolteacher/ diarist finds out about a fateful decision by an important student of hers who got suspended.
March 6, 2006
Brinn’s transfer papers came through. She’s not coming back to our school. I went to her work the other day, hoping against hope that she’d be there, in the middle of the day. I at least wanted her, in a selfish way, to be at work if she wasn’t going to be at our school. But her co-worker said she’d returned to school. And because she hadn’t returned to ours, it meant she was somewhere else.
I feel like I let her down. But I also feel hurt because she’s chosen not to come back to us here. What could I have done to keep her here? It will be so difficult now for me to keep in touch with her, to monitor her progress, and to make sure she stays on track for college. I keep thinking that the dinner with her at Chili’s was her way of saying goodbye.
And maybe it was a form of thanks. It is just like Brinn not to be straight and to the point. It’s just like Brinn to say what she means when things aren’t really important, and to disguise her emotions when they really matter.
It’s a Monday morning. And I find myself wondering if and when I’ll see her again. I find myself wondering if she’s going to be better off in a bigger school where she can blend in, rather than stand out in such a small school. I wonder if someday I’ll hear from her — ‚Äùmaybe a phone call from college, maybe I’ll come across her on a street, maybe it’ll be an e‑mail out of the blue. I know I can keep in touch with her myself. I have her phone number.
But I wonder if I’m part of her life that she might want to forget about. She’s moved schools now. She probably wants to put this place behind her. If she puts the place behind her, I wonder if she’ll put me behind her? But who am I to be so self-centered? It’s okay for her to put this all behind. It’s been a tough year for her. Really tough. She should want to put it behind her. And move on to a new place where she might be able to start off fresh. I want that for her. She needs it. She deserves, at the very least, the right to a fresh start. I think we all do.
