Brian Slattery Photos
Host Dan Kalwhite smiled at the mic on the Cafe Nine stage Wednesday evening as he welcomed the crowd of a few dozen who had come down to the club on the corner of State and Crown despite the rain picking up outside.
“You braved the storm — thank you so much,” he said. “Who came down the river by boat?”
The chuckles in response were a warm up for “A Guy Walks Into A Bar…,” the comedy open mic Kalwhite hosts regularly at Cafe Nine. (The next one will be held on Sept. 22.)
The rules are simple: The show starts at 8 p.m. The doors open at 7 p.m. At 7:30, anyone who wants to try out their material can sign up to perform. As Kalwhite explained, each performer gets five minutes, with a signal from Kalwhite at the four-minute mark to wrap it up.
“Also, please use a coaster,” Kalwhite said. “Just kidding, I don’t care.”
The open mic, he explained further, was also a competition; the best comic of the evening, as determined by the intensity of applause their act received, would win a $25 bar tab from Cafe Nine. First up was Tyler, who bemused the crowd with a bit in which he flipped a coin and had someone in the audience call heads or tails. Those who called wrong got $1 from Tyler. Those who called it right got $2 and a mystery envelope. Tyler kept flipping the coin until he had distributed all five mystery envelopes. We never did get to learn what was inside them.
“He was working on that bit all last week,” Kalwhite joked. “Went through $150.”
Next up was Haley, who told jokes hinging on her day job working in a vet office and her night job working as a bartender.
“Recently I found out that people are wary of vaccinating their dogs because they’re afraid their dogs will get autism. Which is weird because I always thought all dogs had autism,” she said.
Switching to her other occupation, she said, “working at a bar, you have to deal with more creatures than you do at the vet.” Her comedy, which ranged from theological conversations one might have while waxing to receiving awkward marriage proposals from cousins, drew hearty applause.
“Who’s having a great time?” Kalwhite said at the end of Haley’s set. Nearly everyone cheered.
“Who’s having a bad time?” he asked. Haley clapped.
Next up was Chris, who began his set by saying “this is a weird-ass crowd. You got every stereotype in here.” His comedy ranged from race relations to cell phone use. “iPhone users need to chill out. Clap if you have an iPhone.” Half the audience did. “Hey! Chill out,” Chris said. After an amiable joke about owning a crappy car, he told one that landed particularly well.
“I think White people want to spread awareness. They never want to fix the problem,” he said. “They never say, ‘hey, I know how to cure cancer.’ Instead they say, ‘let’s have a triathlon.”
Jokes about race relations and family continued with Alfonse, who flipped the script on a few widely held beliefs.
“I’m a big school separation fan,” he said. “I don’t want my kids going to school with White people. You put your whole mouth on the drinking fountain.” He explained his own heritage by saying “my dad’s Black and my mom’s Filipino, which means I’m Puerto Rican.” A flurry of jokes about absent fathers, fasting, sperm banks, and online dating (popular websites for him included “Tinder and Uber Pool”) brought out warm applause from the friends he had brought and the bar generally.
The jokes kept coming. Joe introduced himself by saying “I know I look like an unemployed surf instructor because that’s exactly what I am.” When he learned through repartee with Alfonse from the stage that Alfonse was a student at Yale Law School, he deadpanned that “you’re smart but you dabble in stupid.” Ish talked about how any crime that involved distributing something was automatically more serious. “People who sell drugs have a tapestry on the wall. People who distribute drugs have a sword.” About going out after pandemic restrictions lifted, he said, “I got to see all my comedian friends, while means I got a lot of advice I didn’t ask for.”
Tricia explained that “I’m Italian, which means I can put away a lot of angel hair pasta and my dad won’t let me use the lawn mower because sexism.” Mo observed that “you can either die the cool cousin or live long enough to be the crazy uncle.” Rob expressed skepticism about giveaways attached to free vaccinations, such as free tickets on the Metro North (“‘I don’t want the vaccine, but I did always want to ride the train.’ Who is that guy?”) and about weddings that go on too long (“I can do four hours of happy but I can’t do five or six.”)
But in the end, only one comic could claim the $25 bar tab at the end of the night. Kalwhite had determined that Mo, Haley, and Alfonse had received the most laughs and applause during their sets and asked the audience to rate the three of them against each other by clapping and cheering. Mo got hearty applause. Haley’s fans added cheers. But Alfonse got the loudest cheers of all; the tab was his. Beaming from the stage as he had at the beginning of the night, Kalwhite reminded everyone the next open mic comedy night was on Sept. 22. Outside the rain was coming down hard, but inside the warmth of the camaraderie among comedians and audience was palpable
