A Parent’s Path To Pride

Before she became a regular volunteer at the New Haven Pride Center — before she started teaching her friends about non-binary pronouns or exposing her preschool students to the many different forms a family can take — Karen Boccadoro learned that her 19-year-old kid was gay. And she didn’t know what to think.

Laura Boccadoro was nervous about being noticed when she first came out. Now, at age 26, she wears her pride on her sleeve. She dyes her hair every color of the rainbow and sports a ​“lavender menace” tattoo on her arm. 

“I’m proud that you didn’t let your misconceptions take over your love for me,” Laura said in an office of the New Haven Pride Center, holding her mom’s gaze.

Karen, 58, is an early childhood educator at a church-affiliated preschool in Darien, Connecticut, where she lives and where Laura grew up. She identifies as a straight woman and lives an hour away, but she can often be seen helping out at Pride Center events.

Laura (who goes by both she/her and they/them pronouns) is the communications coordinator at the Pride Center, where they’ve worked for four years. They live in Newhallville with their partner, three cats, and a dog.

The pair met in the Pride Center in early July to reflect on how they each came to embrace Laura’s queer identity. Here are some excerpts of their conversation.

Coming Out

Laura: I remember exactly the day I told you. I remember we were watching a movie, and I accidentally picked a movie where it was a same-sex relationship. … So what was your first reaction?

Karen: I don’t remember that. … I remember your father telling me you guys had held off on telling me.

L: I told Dad three months before I told you, probably.

K: I guess it was kind of bewilderment. Because we raised you guys, which I now realize was a really hard place to come out. I had never thought of that. We basically expected you to go to college, find a guy, and give us grandkids. So I guess I was bewildered.

L: Kind of, didn’t know what to think?

K: Your father and I had had conversations about how, no matter what, we wanted to love you guys.

L: I felt your lack of understanding, for a while, was scary to you.

K: Yeah, I probably was scared.

L: ​‘Cause it took a couple of years… You were never hateful towards me. You did try to set me up with men the first month I told you, though.

K: I did.

L: [Laughs] She’ll admit it. She sent me a picture of her friend’s son that went to my college and she was like, ​“That’s pretty good looking, right?” Not my type, Mom, not my type.

K: At first, I also felt kind of embarrassed to tell people. That probably was part of what you felt. I would never really admit or, if they wanted to know who you were going out with, I’d pretty much tell them nobody. That you were single.

L: It was almost like a one-eighty for you, being able to process it emotionally and having it be a part of your life.

"I Need To Be Visible"

L: I was about 17 when I realized I wasn’t just into men, but I didn’t have the language or the knowledge about what ​‘gay’ was or what ​‘queer’ was. … I’d never met a queer person that was willing to talk to me about this stuff. 

I thought women were real pretty and I wanted to kiss them, but that wasn’t something I was gonna do. That wasn’t the culture or the environment I grew up in.

So when I went to college, it was 2016. I was 19 years old. I had just set my Tinder settings to ​‘men’ and ​‘women.’ I was just starting to realize, maybe I romantically also liked women. I had a friend who was queer and she basically walked up to me one day… pulls me aside and she goes, ​“I know you’re gay.” I had not even admitted it to myself yet… Honestly, I think I needed somebody to look at me and say, ​“shut up, you’re queer.”

I told my dad pretty quickly after the fact. He had a gay cousin, so he had gone through the dynamics of not having a fully supportive family. So I knew he had some understanding. I said it to him and he was like, ​“Huh, okay, I don’t really care, good for you!”

I told [Mom] three months afterwards. Dad was really good at keeping it a secret. I was a little older. I came out as bi first, because I wasn’t sure. … I’ve been openly out as gay and queer since the end of 2016.

It was very hard for me to overcome the idea of ​“Are people gonna judge me because of this?” I was very insecure about being out for the first year or so, and then I hit the ground running: I’m gay, I’m in your face.

I think it was being able to meet more queer people. Being in New Haven more consistently…

I joined the GSA [Gender-Sexuality Alliance] at Quinnipiac. We started doing an initiative for gender-neutral bathrooms. That was my first taste of queer activism. And I was like, wait, I need to be visible for people to understand what’s going on. I need to be a visible queer person. We literally stood on the library steps with massive signs and a bathroom, being like, ​“Gender Neutral Bathrooms!”

That pushed me to be more me.

No More Pastels

L: I started dressing different. I know that was a little hard for you, too.

K: I know.

L: How did me changing my outward image affect you? ​‘Cause that has a lot to do with my queerness and my identity, for sure.

K: I’ve never been a wearer of black. You don’t always wear black. You are still a beautiful person inside and out. But I guess I just kind of thought to myself, where did this one go? This girl that wore this dress and did her hair like this? I’m getting choked up, sorry. 

But I realized, you’re still here. You just weren’t wearing all that Vineyard Vines crap I was buying you in high school.

L: No more pastels. I don’t wear pastels anymore. Honestly, one of the biggest things was my hair. I straightened my hair pin-straight for a long time, and then eventually I just cut all my hair off. It was really short. Awful haircut.

K: It was so bad. It was a bad haircut.

L: And then I shaved the sides. That was a huge deal for me. I’ve always wanted to shave my head, look more androgynous. It helped me feel more queer, too. I didn’t feel the pressure anymore, honestly, from the male gaze, to be this beautiful feminine being. 

For a long time, I felt like if I didn’t look like this feminine beautiful thing, people would think I’m ugly. Specifically thinking about men looking at me. I never wore sweatpants. Always wore makeup on. Now I come to work in sweatpants. I dress a lot more androgynous now. I wear larger clothing than I used to. I used to wear push-up bras to look more feminine and have a more feminine figure and wear tighter clothes. Now I realized, I don’t need to do that. 

I feel way more comfortable in my body now. And just being able to be an androgynous person walking around. I really like it when queer youth walk up to me and they’re like, ​“I love your vibe, I love your style.” And I’m like, ​“Do it. Wear this. Wear all of that. Get tattoos.”

This was a big change, too. All these tattoos and stuff. This has just made me feel more in touch with who I am inside here. 

‘Cause for a long time, it was a mask. It was, this is what I feel like people are expecting of me as a straight lady. When I came out, I was like, ​“I’m different. I’m not straight anymore. I can be different, look different.”

I’m at a point of my life where the male gaze goes straight over. Men hardly hit on me anymore. That was so validating in such a weird way. … That made me feel affirmed.

Yeah, my style has drastically changed. I haven’t put a dress on in, I don’t even know how long. Or a skirt.

K: Yeah, I figured that. … But when we do go somewhere special, she’s always neat and she’s always put together and she always looks good. And it’s her style. It was just a matter of getting used to the changes.

L: I stick out more. And I think that’s something — not that you don’t like, but you have a harder time with. I think you think about it as a safety thing, almost. You don’t want people to judge me.

K: Well, that’s my job, is to worry about you.

L: What do you think of me sticking out?

K: I worry that your hair, even though your hairdresser does it really well, I worry that sometimes it’s gonna [make you into a] target. You are a tiny little person and the last thing I want is to wind up in an ER with you all beaten up or something.

L: Don’t worry, they’ll look worse than me. [Laughing] I think that’s understandable. Sometimes I have that thought. … I think that’s very fair.

Out Of The Comfort Zone

L: Why did you find it important to be more inclusive of my identity and understand it?

K: I think I just had to kind of get used to the whole thing. … It was time for me to feel more comfortable. I would go help her with things. I started volunteering at individual events, like the Dorothy Awards [a Pride Center fundraiser] and Pride Day and the clothing swaps we were having here a couple months ago. … As time passed by, I got more comfortable. 

I remember the first event I went to with you, it was like a luncheon, at some little tiny restaurant.

L: It was at 168 York Street.

K: I felt really uncomfortable ​’cause people were staring at me.

L: Why do you think people were staring at you?

K: Because … I wasn’t gay? I don’t know. What I wear, screams, ​“Hey, I’m a straight woman.”

L: Nah…

K: I was very uncomfortable.

L: Partly because of my addiction issues, her and I had grown quite a bit apart. She was fairly fed up with me and I was not in a good place to understand how I was affecting people around me. 

The first thing I realized was her and I getting closer so much faster. It was almost like… I feel like we healed together. Part of that was me coming out.

K: That’s a good way to put it, because I don’t think I would have picked up on that personally myself. I guess I just felt like my comfort level was improving the more I did with you.

L: The fact that you did — even when you knew you were going to be uncomfortable — go out of your way to still go into those spaces is so important. That’s what more people need to do. … That was such a special day for me. I felt really proud to have my mom standing next to me at these events I had been working so hard to do. I wasn’t even a year sober yet.

I think that’s one of the reasons that pushed you to want to learn more, was because you realized how important it is to me.

K: I guess that’s what it was. Let me go and do this and learn more. I do ask, maybe not as many questions as I used to ​’cause she’s answered a lot for me, but I do ask a fair amount of questions to make sure I’m identifying people the right way. I feel more comfortable now. She’s told me, if you’re not sure, just ask. … I use the proper pronouns.

L: When I tell people that you do those things, their jaws drop. You do not see people in your generation doing that: doing the work to educate yourself, being open to asking questions that may be uncomfortable…

One thing I appreciate about you, too, is you don’t get offended when I give you better language to use and correct you.

"It's OK To Not Understand"

The Boccadoros offered advice to parents who are learning how to accept their LGBTQIA+ children, and to kids who are navigating relationships with hesitant or non-accepting parents.

K: They’re your kid. You can’t get in their way. You can just be supportive. You just hope that they’re making the right choices and that they’re going to be good people.

L: Just love your kid. Support your kid. One thing you understand now that most parents don’t is, it’s OK to not understand. It’s OK to not know exactly what they’re going through or fully understand who they are as a person. … You don’t have to understand it to support and appreciate your child, and love them.

[My mom] has put herself out of her comfort zone. To educate herself, to be immersed in the community, to experience the community. And she asks questions. It’s important to be proactive in your kid’s life. … We’re not gonna always be perfect. We’re not gonna always understand everything. But as long as you’re proactive and trying, that means more to anybody.

For the youth… Give your parents grace, to your capacity. If you had asked me the first year I came out, I probably would have said, ​“My mom’s not cool with it.” I ended up realizing I needed to give her grace. … 

I think it’s fair for youth to step away from their family… Obviously, the reality of it is, there are kids who get kicked out of their homes and never see their parents again the second they come out. I always tell kids, lean on your community. Lean on your chosen family. Embrace who you are, and reach out to resources, like the Pride Center or other local groups or social groups. Get therapy.

You always have family. Even if your blood family does not, cannot, be respectful, you always have a family.

Pride On Video

The town of Darien hosted its first sanctioned LGBTQIA+ Pride event in June of 2022. Within months, town officials voted to ban all flags on town property that are not the Darien, Connecticut, and United States flags — meaning that the town would no longer fly a Pride flag during the month of June.

Laura and Karen both attended a Darien rally last month calling on the town to change its policy.

L: In Darien, last year they put a Pride Flag up, and this year they refused to. I had someone reach out from the local Democratic chapter over there and ask me to come down and speak as a queer Darien [former] resident. [My mom] came with me.

K: Video-taped the whole thing. 

L: Video-taped the whole thing, and she was crying.

K: The woman next to me was like, ​“Is that your daughter?” I said, ​“Yes, that’s my daughter.” ​“She’s so impressive!” 

L: [laughing]

K: No, you were. I shared that video… I sent it to my sister-in-law. I was very proud to share that with my family, because you are. You’re right where you should be.